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14 April 2009 @ 04:24 pm
My friend is currently writing an Article on ecstasy use among young people & the rave scene in Australia for school.

She would love to talk to anyone about their experiences with ecstasy to help with her article, and possibly quote them ( can remain anonymous).  If anyone is interested in talking to her (online), please comment or contact me on live journal.
She would love to hear from anyone with Ecstasy experience, anywhere in the world.

Any help is greatly appreciated
thanks, sarah.
14 April 2009 @ 10:43 am
Yes it has been sometime...
I haven't missed it either, I guess i have been really caught up, living my life.
I am not going to be very active on here at all at this point in time, but thats not to say in the future i will be again.
I am so far away from the person i used to be when i started this journal, I do not even know her anymore!
Those entries are a reminder to myself of how far i have come and the things that I can't really remember without reading them. I am happy with who i am right now and where i'm headed.
Well that is all I will say for now.
Current Location: canberra
Current Mood: okayokay
Current Music: nothing
17 November 2008 @ 11:52 am

Yesterday i opened a letter not expecting this.
Remember back in september? My little trip to hospital?
Yeah now I got notice of an overdue payment of $329 for ambulance shit.
I do have to pay the consequences of what I did and that I will......reluctantly.
So $329 down I will be not to mention the cost of other things like the phone call I need to make to them and a money order. Oh how life is filled with stupid fees.

It wouldn't be too big a deal if I had a better job and i wassn't trying to save.
I worry too much and I question things too much. I've gotta try and stop doing that.
But i can't help it I need a better job or atleast a secound one because
I cant get by on 200 a week it just doesn't work.

In other news what did I get up to on Friday night?
Finished work at 9pm like usual but decided to spend the night drinking
and other things with friends in civic as you do.
Well friends being 2 others until we found other people.
It was just one of those nights were lots of shit happens but i dont remember a whole lot and
my BF looked after me, i feel bad for doing that to him but he is amazing,I love everything about him and wouldn't change a thing.
I didn't drink that much but you know i drank plenty so hmmmmmmmmm.
I actualy went to REV for the first time in my life and Bar 32 is gay small and it was packed.
We were only in there for like 5minutes anyways other places were calling our names.
Didn't got home at all that night.
Good times.
Well thats all i've got to say right now, same old same old.
Current Location: canberra
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: The Amity Affliction
10 November 2008 @ 08:58 am

I seem to be in the same place I have been for so long now..........
Lost.................confused.........unsure, searching for meaning,searching for something but finding nothing.....
Am i not looking hard enough?
I just don't know, i should be happy or atleast happier but i'm not.
I wish my boyfriend could understand but he doesn't and its not his fault.
Infact he'd hardly notice that there is anything wrong with me.
I love him but i question how much he loves me back, i wish i didn't question that or anything,
but i can't help but question i do this too often to everything.
I guess he just doesn't show it enough to me i don't know...............

Okay i just found out that a band i love Shinto Katana came to fucking berra yesterday and i new nothing of it...................not fucking happy :(
Things just seem to be going wrong but maybe if i just changed my way of thinking.............................
I HATE MYSELF right now.

I'm too scared to get help but maybe i need it ?
I'm too scared but why?
I'm bored with life bored with everything and i just don't know........
I've also lost interest in everything again..............................
I don't care much for concerts/gigs but then i am so pissed off about missing shinto so fucking pissed off..............
its just not fair i fucking hate myspace...........i hate not having friends that would have known about them coming to town and i would have actually gone instead of having such a hell fucked day yesterday......................
I don't know anymore i just don't know.
can i drag every last bit of hope out of me or is there none left?

I just wish i could be happy.................
I can't understand why i've been thinking of suicide so much of late
i thought it was all in the past
clearly not.......................
i want to end it all, end the boredom, end the pain, end the nothing, end everything.
the only thing i want to keep is my relationship.....

of course there is plenty to fix or work on there but its really the one thing keeping me "ok"
at the moment.............. if only he could understand...............
I'll be okay......................................................................................

in other news it has been sometime....6 weeks in fact since i have last posted and so much has gone on..
not that much actually
I did go to a rave back in mid october and i did not take drugs (proud!!) I promised my BF I wouldn't, i just got really drunk instead.
I went to stonefest last weekend and got pretty drunk there too.
But apart from that not much else has been going on.
I love my BF very much
so yeah
i guess im off to do other things now

Current Music: Bring Me The Horizon (Suicide Season- their new albulm)
23 September 2008 @ 11:33 am
Dearest Journal- I do Like To Party

Well well quite a lot has happened in two weeks...where do I start?
Sarah now darling didn't you turn 18?
Haha I did indeed.
Now in this country that mean I am legally an adult. I can drink, go out,
smoke and do almost anything my little heart wishes to do.
I should have put an entry in last week about me turning 18
because several events have happened since then and I don't remember too much from that time now.
Let me start back on Thursday and let you know what has been happening.
Thursday- went to Civic with not much idea of what I was doing that day.
Em found me and we hung for a bit.
I hung around with my random "friends". Matt had a mate with him
and I just spent some time with them.
Went to the park and everyone got stoned.... need I say more?
I actually started tripping and I only had like 2 cones it was a bit scary actually
and werid, yeah I freaked out heaps.
Hey wait Sarah now what happened to you being clean?
Shit you screwed up bad! 5months of cleanliness gone gone gone!
Anyways started having a stick fight with Matts friend, it was like a childish way of flirting.
One thing led to another and yeah we hooked up.
We spent ages together and parted that night only to meet again the next day.
We spent pretty much all day friday together and that was the night he asked me out.
It was really sweet actually.
On Saturday night we went to a house party.
It was her 15th birday party... oh how young she is.
I didn't intend to stay there my last bus home was around 10:30pm but you know I had to get smashed didn't I?
I was in a werid mood and I just drunk and drunk and drunk but I had a crazy good time.
It was a mad party aparently there was about 60 people there oh and I slept with my BF already.....stole his virginity actually...haha.
He looked after me when I was so drunk I couldn't stand, couldn't walk and couldn't sit down either.
Could he be a keeper for good? Who knows?
All I know is that i didn't get to see him yesterday and I can't get him off my mind 24/7 he is all I am thinking about at the moment, I Miss him heaps.

I gotta run
Much Love
XoXo Sarah
Current Mood: hungryhungry
Current Music: Evergreen Terrace
08 September 2008 @ 12:12 pm

My recollections from a Saturday night where i went too far.......

Saturday Morning-7am. I woke up and it took me about 10 minutues to actually remember what day it was and what I was doing that day.  I was rather suprised to feel depressed that morning because I was so excited to be going away for the weekend.
Maybe I was like that because of a dream I had that made me think it was mid week still?
I eventually dragged my ass out of bed and got ready.

8:45am-I got on the bus from Sydney to Canberra where i spent the usual incredibly boring 3 and a half hours not doing much at all.

12:45 ish pm - Bus arrived in Sydney Central a few minutes late. I then proceeded  to the nearest YHA and tryed to get accomodation there, a few days off being 18 I was not allowed to stay there.
Down the road to the next backpackers but they only had a private room available.
Where to go next?

1pm-I made the smart desicion to head to my usual place near Town Hall but I was worried about if I would make it to the Herman's Bar by 2pm for Deez Nuts.
I managed to get a bed at my usual place. I head upstairs and orginised my stuff, went downstairs only to reaslise I didn't have my smokes so went back up to get them.

1:40ish pm- I jumped on a bus to The University of Sydney only to have a rude lady tell me to move over and gave me shit about how she was getting off in two stops. At this point I am reminded of how rude people are in Sydney and how I would much rather be in Melbourne.

1:50ish pm- I got off the bus near the Manning Bar not having the slightest clue where the Herman's Bar was I started to wander around hoping for the best.

2pm- Found a group of randoms that weren't as friendly as they could have been but hey that's Sydney for you right? I asked them if they knew where it was but they weren't too sure either. I followed behind them to find the bar just across the road.

2:10 ish pm- I realised that I didn't have a lighter and was already annoyed because I had nothing else to do but wait and smoke.

2:15ish pm- Found some nice people from up the coast who were smoking and I got a light off them.

2:30pm- Wondering if they were ever going to open the doors it was pissing down rain everyone was pretty damn cold and bored.

They eventually opened the doors and it was one of the best gigs I have been to this year so far.
When Deez Nuts came on everyone went crazy as you do, the stage was only tiny with no barrier or anything which makes it much more fun. Heaps of people got up on the stage and we were all moshing around with JJ up on the stage (not much room to move really!).

Some time after 6pm- Started to head back to Town Hall.
Got back to my room, orginised my stuff. Took my half empty bottle of Vodka and headed to Luna Park for Opeth.
Drank some of the vodka before leaving the doorm room.
In the Lift some guys from the Bar came in with a tray full of Shots and offered everyone in the life one.
So me being the crazy girl I am I had one not really knowing what it was.
Went to Town Hall and bough a train ticket using a $20 note (trying to figure out where all my money went).
Got 16.40 change.

6:40ish pm- Got off the train at Milson Point and walked to Luna Park, on the way bought a $2 lighter from some conveinience store.

6:50ish pm- went to the bathrooms and with an empty stomach I sculled the rest of my Vodka.
Not sure how much was in there atleast 6+ standard drinks left (one of those half sized 11 drinks Smirnoff bottles).

Had some smokes and started to feel very out of it. I didn't care what anyone thought of me at that point.
Went to the bar and tryed to by a drink (can only just remember this).
Got out my money but she asked for my ID.  Of course you would coz I look like 14 even though I am actualy 17 going on 18.
I pretended to look for my ID and made it look like I had forgotten it.
I am glad that I did not get a drink because the Vodka hadn't really hit me then.

7pm- The Doors were open and I headed inside. This was a sold out event, I actualy wish I had tried to sell my ticket rather than go in. But maybe I wouldn't have recieved the help I needed when I did.

Inside things are just a blur. I bought a Fanta drink (cost $4.20) and I sat down.
I was so dizzy when I was sitting down everything was moving. I could hear a band playing but I was too fucked to get up, I couldn't really walk or stand up.
I felt like hell, like I was on drugs again. I didn't want to be like that.
I tryed to get up and I walked into the foyer area.
I recognised Rach standing there are went up to her. She knew me so it was obviously her.
I remember her saying "I didn't expect to see you at Opeth" and then I remember saying "I am so smashed" whilest I was hugging her.
I can then remember her saying "Your'e always so smashed at Concerts".
Then I think she took my fanta and and I think I then stumbled into the First Aid and said "I Feel really sick".
I was handed a throw bag and spewed as soon as I got it.
My Time in the first aid is a huge blur.
They tryed to give me water but I don't think I was keeping it down, i threw Up alot.
I can remember one of the Voulenteer St. Johns girl asking me if I wanted to go see Opeth when they came on but I don't remember answering her. I think I keep falling asleep on them because they weren't too worried about me. One of them said something about security kicking me out if I was falling asleep.
I remember saying back to them but what if your'e really sick and he just said they would leave the person there on a stretcher.
I was still very dizzy and not getting better, I could hear Opeth playing but I didn't care.
Time went by so fast in there, I can remember them saying something about taking me to a Paramedic that was there for someone else.
They got a wheelchair and took me to the Ambulance.
I can remember them saying something about me fainting a lot and not getting any better.

Sometime After 11pm- Before I knew it I was in an ambulance on the way to a Hospital.
In the Emergency Room I didn't really want to be there.
The Nurse who was treating me was a bitch just because I was there for Intoxication.
The first few hours are a blur, before I knew it I had a drip in my arm.
I could feel it go through my veins it was icy cold.
I remembering listening to what they were saying about me but I don't actualy remember what they said.
They moved me to Emergency Treatment and I spent the rest of my time in there.

Sunday Morning-Around 6am.
I asked why i was still being kepted there. I was told I had to wait for a Social Worker and a Drug ad Alchohol reveiw.

Hours past untill around 11:30am I had a mental health worker come and talk to me.
They asked me if i would consider detox. I wish i was asked that a year ago when I really needed it!
With a few lies I managed to get out of there and on my way back home.

Have I learn't a hard lesson about drinking? I'm actually not sure right now.
Will I ever drink again? Well atleast I wont scull that much Vodka on an empty stomach.

I'm outtie


Current Location: Canberra
Current Mood: soresore
Current Music: Deez Nuts
25 August 2008 @ 08:48 am

Everything is fucked up right now but then again it always has been..........
i'm so confused,lost I don't know what I want to do with myself,its like i'm standing at a road with 50 different ways to go but none of them have a light to follow I don't want to go down any of them I just want to stay where I am.
I guess this is because I am scared of change because I am scared that things will just get worse rather than better.
Its weird being in this place because I can't understand anything, my life so far has been rather crazy.
I've suffered depression to the worst point but I can barely remember things now....I'm sure I stil have depression but its not as bad as it was before? Yeah that would be right but some days are just as bad as they used to be were I make my own little plans to kill myself but then after a few hours of hell it all seems so stupid and it just goes round and round and round.
I wish I had recieved help years ago so that someone had some insight into my head because I have no clue and I am just so damn confused! 
I have had huge problems witrh drugs in the past and every day is still a struggle not to use again...........
Just the other day I realised I have no support behind me right now, no friends, no family no one..........
I am doing this all on my own right now and that scares me so much..............
I have no one to turn to when i get so desperate,no one to help me keep pushing on,no one to encourage me to stay off drugs,to stay healthy, I have no one and I am left running scared. I don't want to use but I long for it so bad,just once more but that last syringe full will be what kills me,but maybe that is what I really want.
I am dead inside.

I have also had problems with anorexia.........I was so skinny but I now see myself as so fat...I have gained weight, its not much at all and I am still smaller then what I was last year but I can't stand it I feel fat,disgusting,horrible and I do not want to eat anything but a huge part of me (maybe the only sane bone in my body) is screaming at me to cut this out, I am better than this now I am over it or am i??? I am trying to put it all behind me but it is very hard not to care..............

I am fighting with myself right now,fighting about everything.............................
Trying to find reason in my struggle,something worth the fight, something to live for.
So far I have come across nothing. I don't know how I ever became so at war with myself, how did my heart ever become so shattered? How did I ever lose every ounce of hope I could find or is there still just a little bit of hope left........just enough to keep me going...............

As you can see I am just so confused............

Thank you............
xxoo Sarah.

Current Location: canberra
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: carpathian
18 August 2008 @ 09:10 am

I really do hate this F*cking town!
I have gotta get out of this place before I f*cking kill myself.
It is a hole a big Fcking hole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But where to go I was thinking Melbs or maybe Sydney I have much 
more fun when i Go there.
I have been here way to long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate my job I hate this town and I hate my fucking life right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so bored with my life day to day week after week it is driving me insane!

I had a fun weekend in Sydney though....on a good note.
I snuck a boy into the place I was staying! Haha and a i had some fun.....
But I feel just a little bit used you know but most guys are like that.
its not like I didn't want to but he was a bit pushy I hate guys like that and 
I guess I will never know if he just randomly decided to talk to me or he
 targeted me and does that all the time....i'm guessing he targets girls
 all the time like a lot of guys do.
Oh well. Fuck everything!
I gotta run.........gah gotta work for 7 hours!
Fucking hell I am in a shit mood today!
I have heaps more to tell but no time right now.
xxoo Sarah

Current Location: Canberra
Current Mood: crappycrappy
Current Music: Antagonist
24 July 2008 @ 08:36 am
I'm in a pretty sh*t mood right now.....I just want to escape everything........
all the people,work,"home", everything and everyone around me I just want to blank it all out,
let it all go and fade away into the background.................................

Okay now I have that outta my system atleast................
I'm hating everything right now.....................
But the Seduction are coming to town this Weekend, there an Aus Hardcore band I really love right now........
Hopefully I can make it!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not going to be to happy if I can't.

Remember that boy that I spent the whole time with at PWD??? He found me on myspace.......
Damn he is fine...........I don't know about him but I do know he is just gorgeous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyways I must run.........
Current Location: Canberra (HOLE!!!)
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
Current Music: The Seduction
13 July 2008 @ 10:44 am
Damn I have hangonvers they almost make drinking seem not worthwhile. 
I'm actualy thinking that being straight edge issn't a bad idea, maybe its time to put the past behind me.
I've already thrown away the drug life i'm going to put that and everything that went with it behind, in the past..
its gone now, i'm a different person!
I had a pretty good night last night at Hardcore 2008. It was a long day and PWD played last, they only did a short set which sucked but it was better than nothing! I do love PWD.
I wanna see them again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That was only the 3rd time I have seen them.
The broderick were good, Her Nightmare were awesome and I was doing a bit of "hardcore dancing" in the circle pit untill I got kicked in the head that knocked me about for a few moments, and I got kicked/hit in the head about 100 times last night which ended in me spending 3.5 hours in the Hospital Emergency last night to make sure I was okay...and how about that time during 50 lions when I smashed my face/nose on the barrier that was just so much fun!!!!!!!!! No of course it wasn't !!!!!! 
I was up front for Parkway which made me quite happy and I got some pretty awesome pics too.
Anyways my hangover issn't too horrible compared to other times, I got a bit drunk in the afternoon when it started and snuck a bottle of vodka in (they didn't bother to search my bag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). But was rather sober for my fave bands which is a good thing.

Anyways i'm off hom later today, i'm still in Sydney at the moment, missing my animals!!!!!!!!!!
Current Location: Sydney
Current Mood: soresore
Current Music: city & colour